Having been instructed in my youth in the ways of old ladies by well meaning toddler group leaders, records and my parents, and suspecting nevertheless that perhaps old ladies were less drawn to the overconsumption of animals which do not belong rightly in a food chain or stomach, and more likely to be well-armed with sass, omniscience and sheer capability in a surprising number of life skills, I considered rewriting the entire ode in a more positive light. I never got around to it until now, because nothing makes me concentrate better than an arbitrary deadline and the need to be heard on subjects of my choosing.

There was an old lady who followed a spy

(I don’t know why she followed a spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

There was an old lady who asked an insider;

She wanted to bug him, (or was it to spider?)

She asked the insider to follow the spy.

(I don’t know why she followed the spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

There was an old lady who was shaken and stirred;

(She followed the herd – it wasn’t absurd),

She followed the herd to ask the insider,

She asked the insider to follow the spy.

(I don’t know why she followed that spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

There was an old lady with a collar and hat,

(Some very dark glasses, a bag and a cat);

A collar and hat, to follow the herd,

She followed the herd to ask the insider,

She asked the insider to follow the spy.

(I still don’t know why she followed that spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

There was an old lady who went the whole hog,

(With a specially trained dog – she went the whole hog);

She went the whole hog with a collar and hat,

A collar and hat, to follow the herd,

She followed the herd to ask the insider,

She asked the insider to follow the spy.

(I still don’t know why she followed that spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

 

There was  an old lady who could read secret code,

(It was not highway code – she was crossing that road);

She read secret code to go the whole hog,

She went the whole hog with a collar and hat,

A collar and hat, to follow the herd,

She followed the herd to ask the insider,

She asked the insider to follow the spy.

(I still don’t know why she followed that spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

 

There was an old lady who always knew how,

(She was double-O licensed to knit and ker-pow!)

She always knew how to read secret code,

She read secret code to go the whole hog,

She went the whole hog with a collar and hat,

A collar and hat, to follow the herd,

She followed the herd to ask the insider,

She asked the insider to follow the spy.

(I still don’t know why she followed that spy; perhaps she’ll die).

 

There was an old lady who would never use force,

She got him, of course!